Monday, 22 November 2010

The Nark Monster

At 29 years old, I am convinced that there is a monster living under my bed.

Its name is the Nark Monster, and its purpose is to direct my mood towards distinctly grumpy when I wake up in the morning. I suspect it does this by waiting until I am obliviously asleep before swapping the signs which indicate the best side to get out of bed on any given morning. 

Once the Nark Monster has got me in its grip, all hope is lost for the day. It follows me round, making sure I focus as much as possible on the worst in every situation, thus feeding its insatiable appetite for bad vibes and foul language.

I get caught in a vicious circle of narkiness - the more I grump and swear, the grumpier and swearier I get which means I find more to grump and swear about, and so the circle of mard continues. The tiniest little thing can set me off - reading a self-pitying Facebook status update or watching a neighbour park outside our house elicits an elegant and yet passionate rant. And I am entirely capable of holding a one way (shouted) conversation with/at the TV during particularly annoying on-screen moments (this week, Gillian 'Poo Doctor' McKeith, that honour goes entirely to you).

When the Nark Monster is in charge, I am victim to its every whim, and my response usually involves a lengthy ‘chunter’ – a barely under the breath conversation with myself about the nature of the problem, its many downsides and the potential ways of solving it.

Fortunately, I have discovered a few ways to temporarily alleviate the symptoms of waking with the Nark Monster, each of which I know have the ability to lift me out of my grumps for a few blissful moments.

Singing (and occasionally dancing) with the music turned up loud during a car journey is soothing to the soul:

Making a lovely cup of tea not only gets me away from the situation for a short while, it also results in me having a lovely cup of tea - an instant improvement to any situation:

If I happen to have a few minutes leisure time, I think about shoes:

Or an even better way of spending my leisure time is actually buying shoes (or a couple of pairs of shoes, or some boots, or a jumper):

But there is one guaranteed method I know I can fall back on when I get home, which without fail, will send the Nark Monster back to its hiding place under my bed:

What I'm saying today is that if you're in an inexplicable grumpy mood, do as I do and keep the Nark Monster at bay by singing, daydreaming and shopping the day away until you can drink wine with someone you care about. The monster won't know what hit it. 

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